Wisdom:
Wow...I can't believe this project is almost over. It's been really emotional and eye-opening to explore my grief. It's been extremely helpful and beneficial. I didn't know what to expect when I first started it. Today we can offer words of wisdom so here it goes, in no particular order...
1. Whatever you are feeling is okay and NORMAL. There is no right or wrong way to grieve after a miscarriage. Some people are okay with it and that is okay, some people (raise hand here) are not and that is okay too.
2. Just feel - embrace whatever feeling you have and talk about it.
3. Be open - if you don't want to talk to friends/family about it, then don't, but I would encourage you to seek out an avenue to get support (Maybe a private support group on facebook or online). Miscarriages can be so isolating so I encourage folks to build a support system of people they feel safe talking to about it. Sometimes friends and family can be helpful .... and .... sometimes not.
4. Think about your partner. They lost a baby too, remember they are grieving. Sometimes not for the loss of the baby, but for the loss of you as a person. Lean on your partner for support especially if they are the only other person who knew about the baby.
5. Don't consume yourself with grief. I think most people think I am consumed with it, but on the contrary, I would say that I am not consumed and that I am dealing with it in a the way that I find healthy and supportive, by talking/writing about it. It's been so helpful. I can only imagine what state of mind I would be in if I kept it a secret and bottled it all up. It's so easy to get wrapped up in grief, but one thing I have allowed myself to do is to embrace all the good that is in my life and enjoy living. My baby died, I didn't.
6. Don't compare. Don't compare losses. Mine was only 6 weeks along, mine was 17 weeks, mine was .... A loss is a loss and no one has to compete and no one should feel the need to say their loss is greater than another person's loss.
7. Self-care - take care of yourself. Find something that works, find multiple things.
8. Daily reminders: This is not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I am not to blame.
9. Name your baby if you want. Naming Emery was ultimately very healing for me. I am able to better grieve for her loss and to recognize that this wasn't just a clump of cells to me, this was my baby, she mattered to me, and I love her very much. I will always miss her. I don't know if Emery was a boy or girl, but both Ben and I thought we had girl #3 on our hands so that is what we went with! You can keep the name to yourself, share with certain people, or tell the world. It's up to you to name your baby or not, it worked for me and it might not work for others, just a suggestion. It's also never to late to name your baby! Even if your miscarriage was years ago, it's okay to name him/her.
10. Keep breathing. The pain of the loss can take your breath away, but keep breathing. Keep breathing, mama.
XOXO
