Christmas time - joy and sorrow

Christmas has come and gone... It was really emotional with dad being sick and this whole cancer thing sucks. A lot. Christmas Eve was fun, but draining and bittersweet for so many reasons. I'll just say it... While we pray and pray and hope that it isn't, it may have been dads last Christmas and that weighed heavily on my mind. I pray that he has many more and he very well might, but of course I was thinking about the news from the doctor a few weeks earlier... We all were. It breaks my heart. I don't want him to die, I don't want him to not be here. I hate thinking like this because I'm usually upbeat and positive and I still am, but sometimes the darkness creeps in. I've been so emotional this Christmas. I finally broke down crying in my mom's arms on Christmas Eve. I've been trying to be strong for so long, but I needed to have a moment. 

I also think about my baby. Emery's due date is next week, New Year's Eve...

I wonder if she would have been here already or If I would be ready to pop! I surly wouldn't have been home in MN for Christmas so in some twisted way I am thankful I can be here.... I try not to feel too guilty about feeling that way. It certainly helps that I am pregnant again and takes the pain away a little bit, but I'll always think about Emery and what could have been. I do know one thing... If I had Emery I wouldn't have the little person in my tummy who I have finally allowed myself to fall in love with. In a perfect world I would have both with me, but life isn't perfect. 

I'll end with this, I may have dark days, but I know rainbows and sunshine is in my future and I look forward to this new little person growing inside me and for my dad to get healthy! 

Merry Christmas all...

XOXO