Express:
Today I can write whatever I want about my grief. I have really been struggling lately with the idea of expanding our family and not feeling that our family is complete. I have such a desire to have another baby and in other ways I am content with being done. Maybe our family is complete, it just didn't turn out the way I wanted and I will just have to mother my last child in heaven some day and honor her memory here on earth. I'm also terrified at the thought of another loss, I can't do this again. I don't think Ben can do this again. I wonder if I would feel complete and done or if the desire would be just as strong if I hadn't lost Emery. I wonder if I don't feel complete because a tiny part of me is missing. Some days I just want to focus all of my love and time on Clara and Bailey. I think it's the thought of ending on a loss and never having a chance to fix what I lost is why the desire to have a baby is so strong. Not that a new baby would replace my love and sorrow for Emery, but I feel like it would help me, I'm really not sure. All I know is I am getting more comfortable with the idea of ending on baby #3 and just loving her from afar. Life is full of mystery and you never know what might happen...
Another word that I hate: complete - ugh!
That's all I have for today
XOXO
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