Out of privacy for our relationship and Ben's wishes (I may be public about things, but that doesn't mean he is or needs to be) I will only say that like all couples we have our good and bad days. But, I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else and I love that he lets me be me and loves me for it!
With my kids... I've always loved them so much, but it's a different love now,
I know how much I have to lose. My life, my heart, my everything. I sometimes fear that I might lose them and I couldn't handle it. This past weekend when B was so sick I just prayed while we sat in the ER and said "God please. She is just a baby, don't take her from me, I won't be able to come back from this one". Everyone comments on how strong I am, but something happening to her would have broken me. I really was scared with how sick she was and no matter how irrational I was in thinking she was going to die, I couldn't help but go there. Thank God she is okay!
- Me - my relationship with myself goes through so many different emotions on a weekly sometimes daily basis. I think after the scariness of Bailey being so sick and not being able to get the image of her getting the catheter out of my head I realized I really need to see a therapist. It's so hard to admit you need help. I attend the babies gone too soon support group which is helpful, but I also need to process all the crap I have been through this year. I need to get to a point where I am not consumed with all the trauma. Most days I am good, but I just think talking to an objective person would be helpful. Yikes, can't believe I am sharing this with everyone, no one wants to be the person in therapy. Which is crazy because I refer the strongest people in the world to therapists everyday and I have many friends who have attended therapy, but it's hard and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Again. I do not think anyone who has utilized therapy is crazy. I'm just having a hard time admitting that I need it! Please don't judge me. Hopefully, I find someone I connect with that can help me be a better me!
XOXO
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