Capture your grief: day 17

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I've avoided writing today's blog because it's painful and embarrassing to admit how much pain you are in. I choose this picture because it's how my heart feels, technically whole, but torn into pieces that I am slowly putting back together. Some days I feel okay and completely fine, but other days I feel broken. I'm not exactly sure where I am in my grief, but it's still fresh for me even though it's old news for everyone else. It's time for me to move on, the pressure is there. Of course only a few select people actually say that and most folks are supportive, but I think the voice in my head tells me these things as well. MOVE ON! I wish I could, I wish I could make it go faster.

But...Emery no matter how small she was, she mattered to me. She was my baby, a piece of me. I still remember the day she was born (yes miscarriages are birth, a painful and very isolating process). I was at work and there I was sitting in the bathroom and out came my baby in clumps of clotted blood. I almost threw up when I flushed the toilet because I knew I was flushing my baby down the toilet. What the hell kind of mother does that. I'll regret it forever and never get that image out of my mind. I was scared and desperate and just wanted to get to the hospital without telling anyone at work what was going on. I've never shared this story and never thought I would, but the reality is I can talk about Clara and Bailey's birth stories, but talking about Emery's is uncomfortable for everyone, but for me it's all I have. For the 1 in 4 women who experience a loss of a baby during pregnancy this is our story. Shattered, terrified women sitting on a toilet giving birth to the tiniest of babies. I guess I'm still processing everything and the trauma of her birth. That's where I am at. Where do I want to go? I want to heal. I'll never forget but I will move past this and honor her in special ways to me. I just need to write and process and I have faith I will get there. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year... 

XOXO 

No question of the day today.