Capture your grief: day 31!

Sunset:

The end! I made it through the project. I've really enjoyed it, even though it was draining at times. I'm ready for the end, I'm ready to move to living in the here and now. I had so much fun with the kiddos tonight I almost forgot to take this picture! So while I was out trick or treating with Clara and B I snapped this shot. I like how this picture represents me setting the sun on the grief I feel. At the beginning of the month I opened up my feelings with a sunrise and now it's come full circle. Love you, Emery. May you always watch over us from heaven. XOXO

Cheers to completing the project and Halloween! 

Enjoying life! 

Now time to go snuggle my girls!

 

Halloween

Elsa 

Anna 

My little pumpkin girls and I went trick or treating tonight at the high school. It's so fun to watch B get into it and understand what's going on! Clara loved being Elsa and I think B liked being Anna (it's the dress/costume she wanted!) Now, let's get real - if I had a drink every time I saw an Elsa I would have been in no condition to drive! At least we have a role model that doesn't need a man and is a strong woman type! (I still think Merida is a little more awesome (brave), but Elsa will do). So will Anna (besides the whole getting engaged after an hour thing - Major, creepy, domestic violence red flag there! At least she figured it out... When he left her to die! Omg... I digress, but seriously! Creepy!) 

Happy Halloween all! 

XOXO 

Question of the day: favorite Halloween costume?

Capture your grief day 30

Intention:

I intend to honor the memory of my baby gone too soon and all babies gone too soon in the best way I know how. I also intend to move forward and let her go. We both need peace. I can quietly remember that she was with me for a brief moment, I'll never be able to forget or get completely over it, but I intend to keep living and enjoying my life. I'm ready to move on... 

I will love and miss you always, Emery and I'm sure I'll think of what could have been everyday until we meet again. Until then play peacefully on the clouds of heaven. 

XOXO

Capture your grief: Day 28

Wisdom:

Wow...I can't believe this project is almost over. It's been really emotional and eye-opening to explore my grief. It's been extremely helpful and beneficial. I didn't know what to expect when I first started it. Today we can offer words of wisdom so here it goes, in no particular order...

1. Whatever you are feeling is okay and NORMAL. There is no right or wrong way to grieve after a miscarriage. Some people are okay with it and that is okay, some people (raise hand here) are not and that is okay too.

2. Just feel - embrace whatever feeling you have and talk about it.

3. Be open - if you don't want to talk to friends/family about it, then don't, but I would encourage you to seek out an avenue to get support (Maybe a private support group on facebook or online). Miscarriages can be so isolating so I encourage folks to build a support system of people they feel safe talking to about it. Sometimes friends and family can be helpful .... and .... sometimes not.

4. Think about your partner. They lost a baby too, remember they are grieving. Sometimes not for the loss of the baby, but for the loss of you as a person. Lean on your partner for support especially if they are the only other person who knew about the baby.

5. Don't consume yourself with grief. I think most people think I am consumed with it, but on the contrary, I would say that I am not consumed and that I am dealing with it in a the way that I find healthy and supportive, by talking/writing about it. It's been so helpful. I can only imagine what state of mind I would be in if I kept it a secret and bottled it all up. It's so easy to get wrapped up in grief, but one thing I have allowed myself to do is to embrace all the good that is in my life and enjoy living. My baby died, I didn't.

6. Don't compare. Don't compare losses. Mine was only 6 weeks along, mine was 17 weeks, mine was .... A loss is a loss and no one has to compete and no one should feel the need to say their loss is greater than another person's loss.

7. Self-care - take care of yourself. Find something that works, find multiple things.

8. Daily reminders: This is not my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I am not to blame.

9. Name your baby if you want. Naming Emery was ultimately very healing for me. I am able to better grieve for her loss and to recognize that this wasn't just a clump of cells to me, this was my baby, she mattered to me, and I love her very much. I will always miss her. I don't know if Emery was a boy or girl, but both Ben and I thought we had girl #3 on our hands so that is what we went with! You can keep the name to yourself, share with certain people, or tell the world. It's up to you to name your baby or not, it worked for me and it might not work for others, just a suggestion. It's also never to late to name your baby! Even if your miscarriage was years ago, it's okay to name him/her.

10. Keep breathing. The pain of the loss can take your breath away, but keep breathing. Keep breathing, mama.

XOXO

Capture your grief: day 27

Express:
Today I can write whatever I want about my grief. I have really been struggling lately with the idea of expanding our family and not feeling that our family is complete. I have such a desire to have another baby and in other ways I am content with being done. Maybe our family is complete, it just didn't turn out the way I wanted and I will just have to mother my last child in heaven some day and honor her memory here on earth. I'm also terrified at the thought of another loss, I can't do this again. I don't think Ben can do this again. I wonder if I would feel complete and done or if the desire would be just as strong if I hadn't lost Emery. I wonder if I don't feel complete because a tiny part of me is missing. Some days I just want to focus all of my love and time on Clara and Bailey. I think it's the thought of ending on a loss and never having a chance to fix what I lost is why the desire to have a baby is so strong. Not that a new baby would replace my love and sorrow for Emery, but I feel like it would help me, I'm really not sure. All I know is I am getting more comfortable with the idea of ending on baby #3 and just loving her from afar. Life is full of mystery and you never know what might happen...

Another word that I hate: complete - ugh!

That's all I have for today

XOXO

Capture your grief day 25 and 26

Day 25: Mother Nature:

We made a serenity garden in memory and in honor of Cilla and Emery! (Plus a little Tumornator love!). I can't wait to add a bench next year and make it a little bigger. We also planted a bush for Cilla and a small, delicate plant for Emery! Little touches everywhere outside. 

Day 26: healing rituals

I do so many things to help me heal. 

1. Writing - it truly has helped me. 

2. Crafts - I love making things and doing little projects for Cilla and Emery bring me happiness... 

3. Exercise - it may not always happen and I have had a bad month so I'm trying to get back into it because I can tell I am in a funk and I think it's lack of exercise so I'm ready to get back on the trains it's the one time of day I use to clear my head. 

4. Being with friends and family - enjoying the simplest of moments brings me so much joy and fills my heart. 

It's moments like these that make it all worth it....

XOXO

6 year anniversary!

Happy anniversary to the love of my life! 

Right after we are announced husband and wife! 

Young and ready to get married! 

Getting my dress on! 

My handsome hubby! 

Wedding dance! 

What a crazy, wonderful 6 years it's been! I am so lucky to be married to you! You're my best friend. I can tell you anything! We have 2 beautiful little girls here with us and 1 sweet soul in heaven and I'm so glad you are their father! You're so great with them and they love you so much! Thank you for loving me! 

And for those wondering how I ruined the proposal... When Ben asked me to marry him I had been crabby all night and he made dinner and gave me flowers and I didn't understand what was happening! After dinner I declined the walk and went to our bedroom to watch TV. Ben happened to walk in the room to see when I would be ready to go at the same time the couple on the show were getting engaged! So I looked at Ben and said "you're never going to ask me to marry you" and so of course he pulled the ring out and asked me right then and there! I was so shocked! :-) 

Love you babe!!!

XOXO

Capture your grief: Day 24

Forgiveness: 




Today, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for losing my baby. I forgive myself. 

I know I can't continue to blame myself and others, so I am going to actively say:

"I forgive myself". 
"I forgive my body for failing Emery". 
"I forgive myself for feeling like I failed Emery". 
"I forgive others for not loving her like I do". 
"I forgive others for moving on so quickly".
"I forgive others for thinking I am crazy and judging".

I forgive others. 

I forgive you.

I forgive myself. 

Capture your grief day 23

Inspiration 

Emery, my littlest love is my inspiration. Although, she was only with us a short time, her life changed me and made a difference. She has inspired me to speak up about pregnancy and infant loss. I'll always love her and she will always drive me to speak out. I miss her so much and I know it will be tough going into the winter months with her due date coming up. December 31st is so fitting for her due date. The end of a very tough year and the beginning of new possibilities. I only wish my baby was with me... 

Thank you for inspiring me, Emery to be a better me, better wife, and better mommy. 

XOXO

Capture your grief Day 22: Self-Care

I have really been focusing on self care this week, hence the decision to see a therapist. I still need to make the call, but I will. Even though it was scary to put this out to everyone, in some ways it also holds me accountable to actually do what I need to do for my own self-care. I also am trying to just get outside and exercise. I literally took a month off of taking care of myself and it really impacted me so I am back on the train of eating better and working out again and already this week I am feeling much better! Spending time with my girls is also a huge stress reliever for me and one of the ways I take care of myself. Finally, crafts! I love doing anything crafty and you will find lots of artsy projects in my home. Next big project - planning Clara's frozen birthday party! I am so excited! Should keep me busy these next few weeks. We all know I am the mom that goes all out for birthday parties which I love. :-)

XOXO

Capture your grief day 21

Relationship 

Out of privacy for our relationship and Ben's wishes (I may be public about things, but that doesn't mean he is or needs to be) I will only say that like all couples we have our good and bad days. But, I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else and I love that he lets me be me and loves me for it! 

With my kids... I've always loved them so much, but it's a different love now,

I know how much I have to lose. My life, my heart, my everything. I sometimes fear that I might lose them and I couldn't handle it. This past weekend when B was so sick I just prayed while we sat in the ER and said "God please. She is just a baby, don't take her from me, I won't be able to come back from this one". Everyone comments on how strong I am, but something happening to her would have broken me. I really was scared with how sick she was and no matter how irrational I was in thinking she was going to die, I couldn't help but go there. Thank God she is okay! 

- Me - my relationship with myself goes through so many different emotions on a weekly sometimes daily basis. I think after the scariness of Bailey being so sick and not being able to get the image of her getting the catheter out of my head I realized I really need to see a therapist. It's so hard to admit you need help. I attend the babies gone too soon support group which is helpful, but I also need to process all the crap I have been through this year. I need to get to a point where I am not consumed with all the trauma. Most days I am good, but I just think talking to an objective person would be helpful. Yikes, can't believe I am sharing this with everyone, no one wants to be the person in therapy. Which is crazy because I refer the strongest people in the world to therapists everyday and I have many friends who have attended therapy, but it's hard and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Again. I do not think anyone who has utilized therapy is crazy. I'm just having a hard time admitting that I need it! Please don't judge me. Hopefully, I find someone I connect with that can help me be a better me! 

XOXO

Capture your grief day 20 and update on B

First an update on B! She is doing okay. Her fever spiked last night but no fever this morning. She is whiny but more cheerful than yesterday. We are still waiting on final results from the doctor. I'm anxious to hear what they have to say. Thanks for all of your support! 

Capture your grief: day 20 - breathe 

Today I spent some time outside and just took a few deep breaths and centered myself. What a beautiful day and sight! 

Off for more snuggle time with B.

XOXO

My Bailey Bug

For the past few days Miss B has not been feeling well. Fever and complaining of tummy pain. This morning I worked in the shelter for a few hours and when I came home I found that B had been up since early in the morning and was crying and not doing well. We decided to take her into urgent care. I've never seen my child so sick! She was limp in my arms and just not doing well. I remember saying to Ben "she looks like she is going to die". I was so nervous. After taking her blood (which she fell asleep during) and having a catheter to collect her urine (one of the worst experiences of mine and Ben's and Bailey's life! It was horrible. She screamed and yelled and cried). It was determined that she was a mystery! They did give her some Tylenol while we were there and she did start to perk up, thank goodness because this mama was freaking out about the condition of my child! They decided they didn't think it was an appendicitis as originally thought and believe it's a kidney/bladder infection so they sent us home with antibiotics and instructions to watch her like a hawk and if she experiences more symptoms like early today we need to take her to the ER immediately for an ultra sound. Of course that puts me on edge and nervous, but she and I just took a nice nap and I plan to stay home with her tomorrow to keep and eye on her and make sure she is okay and ready to go back to daycare Tuesday. I'm not taking any chances. Right now she is feeling sick and just laying in my arms watching bubble guppies, but she had life in her eyes and is smiling unlike earlier today which is comforting... Today in the capture your grief project on day 19 we are to give and I am giving thanks that my sweet baby girl is home and safe and doing okay after a rough day. I'm also giving thanks for the nurses and doctors at UW health who took great care of B. Please continue to pray for our little one that she gets better and we don't experience the scary events we did early today. 

Very sick in daddy's arms.

Laying down with mama. 

There is the baby I know and love! With a big smile. Nap time!! 

XOXO 

Capture your grief: day 18

Gratitude:

I'm excited to write this blog! As much as I am dealing with loss, I am so grateful for so many things! 

1. My amazing husband

2. My girls

3. My parents

4. God and my faith

5. The beauty of this World

6. My brother 

7. My whole family 

8. All of my friends

9. My job

10. My awesome co-workers

11. BGTS group

12. My house

13. Every single day! 

I'm so grateful for life and the chance to live it! This list could be much longer, but it captures the gist of it all! 

XOXO

Question of the day: what are you grateful for? 

Capture your grief: day 17

Explore

I've avoided writing today's blog because it's painful and embarrassing to admit how much pain you are in. I choose this picture because it's how my heart feels, technically whole, but torn into pieces that I am slowly putting back together. Some days I feel okay and completely fine, but other days I feel broken. I'm not exactly sure where I am in my grief, but it's still fresh for me even though it's old news for everyone else. It's time for me to move on, the pressure is there. Of course only a few select people actually say that and most folks are supportive, but I think the voice in my head tells me these things as well. MOVE ON! I wish I could, I wish I could make it go faster.

But...Emery no matter how small she was, she mattered to me. She was my baby, a piece of me. I still remember the day she was born (yes miscarriages are birth, a painful and very isolating process). I was at work and there I was sitting in the bathroom and out came my baby in clumps of clotted blood. I almost threw up when I flushed the toilet because I knew I was flushing my baby down the toilet. What the hell kind of mother does that. I'll regret it forever and never get that image out of my mind. I was scared and desperate and just wanted to get to the hospital without telling anyone at work what was going on. I've never shared this story and never thought I would, but the reality is I can talk about Clara and Bailey's birth stories, but talking about Emery's is uncomfortable for everyone, but for me it's all I have. For the 1 in 4 women who experience a loss of a baby during pregnancy this is our story. Shattered, terrified women sitting on a toilet giving birth to the tiniest of babies. I guess I'm still processing everything and the trauma of her birth. That's where I am at. Where do I want to go? I want to heal. I'll never forget but I will move past this and honor her in special ways to me. I just need to write and process and I have faith I will get there. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year... 

XOXO 

No question of the day today. 

Capture your grief - Day 16

Retreat 

I'm doing okay... But it's my new definition of okay and it may not be the same as yours and that's... Okay! And after a very emotional week I am ready to take a break and love up on my husband, girls, and my parents this weekend. Definitely a retreat from the storm.

XOXO 

Capture your grief day 15: community

Day 15- community 

My BGTS (babies gone too soon) community is amazing. They get it and we can all come together and support and accept each other for who we are. Moms (and dads) who lost babies and are just trying to figure it out. I miss being pregnant so much and I miss my baby and this community makes it okay for me to say that and hug me and just listen with no judgements that I am crazy! (Well we are all a little "crazy" - we lost our babies!! Tell me how to go through this and not be a little crazy). There is no normal for what we have gone through. Normal - what an extremely fucked up word. Please don't try to fix me, just let me do my thing and be there for me! 

With that said...

I cannot say enough about the community and my new friends - secretly we wish we didn't know each other and we were not in this community, but we are and I am so thankful for each and every one of them! 

XOXO

Question of the day: What makes a community? 

Capture your grief: day 14

Dark/light 

I was driving and saw this tree today and had to stop! The picture doesn't capture half of it! It was dark and windy and this tree was bright with leaves that were blowing from the tree and it was uterally beautiful. It felt like a glowing light on a dark day and I just felt so connected to Emery. It was very fitting for this project today. Thank you sweet baby ... Mama needed to feel you today. 

XOXO 

Question of the day: do you ever feel connected to your loved ones? In what way? 

Capture your Grief day 13: season

Season: Spring - May



I associate May with my losses. Although my beautiful Goddaughter passed away in July, I still remember the day she was born in May. So much life, love, and hope. Who could have known that life would be so cruel. May is also the month I found out I was pregnant with Emery and lost Emery. It's an ugly month for me. I would be fine with skipping right over it. In some ways I am glad the season is over, but in other ways...the further away I get from the season, the further I get away from Cilla and Emery.
                                                                     **********
Two precious gems floating away from all of us on some cloud up in heaven...I hope they have found each other and have become friends like Amanda and I are. Amanda is my one friend who gets it and understands me in a way that no one else does and I just get her. I sometimes like to think that Cilla and Emery just "get" each other like we do and play and laugh and don't give a care in the world what others think. I picture the two of them giggling in heaven and rolling their eyes at us, their crazy mamas who love them with all of their hearts and will not forget them. I even bet Emery is small enough to fit right in Cilla's pocket.  

                                                                    **********

While May/Spring may be a hard month for me, October is one of my favorites. This year especially, I am taking in the beauty of it all, the sights, sounds, and smells. October brings me peace and happiness. I have been trying to take as many walks as possible to soak it all in. The tree in our yard is turning and I love it. I love the leaves on the lawn and jumping in them with our girls. October is also domestic violence awareness month and pregnancy and infant loss awareness month - two causes near and dear to my heart. So, lots of activities to keep us busy. It's also our 6th wedding anniversary. I sometimes look at pictures and think about the year before we got married and would love to sit down and tell these two young people what life had in store for them. Loss...but so much love. We have 2 little girls here with us who are perfect in every way (at least in our eyes...as is every child to their parents)! I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else. I know sometimes I may seem sad and even though I sometimes am....I love life and the journey and everything it has to offer - even when it does hurt. I'm getting there and surprisingly (to me) the capture your grief project has helped more than I could have ever imagined. I am actually processing the grief and moving forward.

XOXO

Question of the day: What's your favorite season and why?

Capture your grief - days 11 and 12

Day 11: Altar 

I made a memory box when Cilla died and when I lost Emery I also made a memory box that contains all I have left of her. I also have added a few things to the shelf that I have found that make me think of Emery. My house is covered in items from Clara and Bailey and this is the one spot in my home that I leave for Emery. 

Day 12: music - 

I love using music to connect to Emery and anything I do. So many songs speak to me! I think the one that I listen to on a daily basis is Forget the Fall from the movie Return to Zero. I can listen to it over and over again. 

XOXO

Question of the day: what's your favorite song and why? 

Capture your Grief: day 10

Support:

When I think of support, I think of my wonderful family, friends, husband, and kids! I would be lost without all of them. They listen when I want to talk and they treat me like a normal human who is grieving. They share their grief with me. That's what defines friendship and family to me - it's sticking by each other in the in between. Lots of laughter, love, sometimes tears, understanding, and fun! These are the people that make everyday worth getting up! The people who make a difference. The people we love. I am so thankful for my strong support system and I don't even have half the people pictured here! I cherish each and every one of you!  Thank you for letting me be me.

XOXO

Question of the day: who do you go to for support? 

Capture your grief: day 9

Day 9: Memory 

This is our serenity garden where we keep Cilla and Emery's memory alive. We also go here to reflect on the battle my dad is fighting with cancer. It's a safe peaceful place to be calm and centered. It's also a place to honor and visit Cilla and Emery. With miscarriages you don't have a grave to visit so this is my spot to go and visit. Yesterday I spent some time there just cleaning it up and taking care of there area. Next year I hope to make it bigger and fill it with more flowers and a little bench. It's my special place where I can reflect on the "in between". 

XOXO

Question of the day: what do you do to honor the memory of your loved ones? 

Capture your Grief: Day 8

Capture your Grief: day 8 - resource 

Hi,

Today for the capture your grief project - Resources 

Honestly, I have found the babies gone too soon support group and ladies a vital resource and would be lost without them.  I also have found different groups and resources on facebook which have been helpful! 

XOXO - Meg

Question of the day: what do you do when you need to get away from the craziness of life? 

Capture Your Grief

If you have been following my facebook you will know that I have been participating in the capture your grief project to raise awareness to pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and to honor my sweet baby Emery and my goddaughter, Cilla. 

Today is day 7: sacred place 

My sacred place is usually when I am on my runs alone and when I come to the willow tree on my run I usually stop for a moment. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and then I open my eyes and watch the wisps of the willow tree flutter by me and I take it in. I feel closer to both Cilla and Emery. It's a place that I can get lost all at once in joy, grief, memories, and love. I soak the moment in and my feet once again hit the pavement and I get lost in the my thoughts of the day. A time to think and lose myself in the in between... 

(I didn't participate in day 6 because I was busy and I find songs to be more helpful than books). 

Question of the day: what song speaks to you and why? 

Why Blog?

I decided to move to blogging so not to bog down my news feed on Facebook with "everything in between" the smiling photos, birth announcements, and special milestones. I'll save everything else for this, my special place where I can write and be me without judgement. This blog will be fun, raw, real, and a slice of who I am and what I am thinking. If you can't handle it, I urge you to stop reading now. I will talk about the grief that you encounter in life and share my thoughts and how I cope. I also encourage you to talk to me, not behind my back if you are concerned and want to check in. I will be happy to share with you that I am fine and I'm defining my own okay and that is okay. Writing is my coping mechanism, my special place. If you can handle it then I welcome you to read and join me in the in between...

XOXO

Question of the day: Where do you see yourself in 30 years? Will any of the materialistic things we buy and consume matter? What's important to you when you think about growing older?