Emery's due date

Today is the day... Her due date. Honestly, I thought I would be more devastated, but I'm doing okay.

I feel sad and wonder what things would be like, but it helps that I am expecting again. It eases the pain and I know if I didn't experience the loss of Emery I wouldn't have this little one. It helps me to keep saying that. Just wanted to write a little post about Emery today since I miss and love her. XOXO

I did make a decision that tomorrow I will be placing all of the mementos I have of Emery in a beautiful box for me to keep instead of having everything on display. A new start to 2015. I will never forgot, but I know it's time for me to "move on" and make room to display things from my living children. I feel really good about that decision and I can look at the box anytime I want, but I won't have a constant reminder of it every time I walk down my stairs. I'll still have my serenity garden, but that's different. (At least to me and that's all that matters!) :-) 

Happy due date, Emery! I'll see you again in heaven! 

XOXO

A bit of relief

I finally had a bit of relief in my morning sickness today! Still pretty nauseous most of the day but I kept all my food down and had energy! I'm praying like crazy I'm on the mend, but we all know tomorrow I could be a mess, but let's hope not! I can deal with this morning sickness, the other stuff not so much! Hey, dad - maybe your prayer worked the other night! I sure hope so!! I took full advantage and cleaned my house top to bottom! I even bleached the sinks, toilets and bathtubs! (Is that safe when your pregnant?) oh well, it feels and smells so good in my house! Seriously, it took me since 10am and I am just sitting down now at 7:30pm! So happy I was able to get in a deep clean done on my vacation. Now I hope I can continue the upkeep. I was going to do yoga tonight but my back ache is telling me to slow down and save yoga for tomorrow afternoon if I am feeling up to it! Looking forward to the rest of the week of relaxation and having some friends over on New Year's Eve! Ben is making prime rib so I really hope I feel great to eat that! ;-) 

I can't believe 2014 is done and over with! We had a lot of great memories, but a lot of terrible ones! I can't believe we will be coming up to a year since my dad was diagnosed with cancer, wow! In some ways some of those weeks and months dragged on and others flew by! It's weird to think that I lost a baby and become pregnant again all in 1 year. Completely bittersweet. I'm praying 2015 is a great year! Ive decided to get a glass jar and write down great memories throughout the year (trips, milestones, birth of a baby, etc) and put them in the jar and read them on New Year's Eve next year so I can reflect on the year we had. Not sure I have any New Years resolutions other than to pray more, spend more time with my family, and let's see oh yeah not gain more than 35 lbs this pregnancy! ;-) 

Wishing everyone a happy new year!! 

XOXO

Christmas time - joy and sorrow

Christmas has come and gone... It was really emotional with dad being sick and this whole cancer thing sucks. A lot. Christmas Eve was fun, but draining and bittersweet for so many reasons. I'll just say it... While we pray and pray and hope that it isn't, it may have been dads last Christmas and that weighed heavily on my mind. I pray that he has many more and he very well might, but of course I was thinking about the news from the doctor a few weeks earlier... We all were. It breaks my heart. I don't want him to die, I don't want him to not be here. I hate thinking like this because I'm usually upbeat and positive and I still am, but sometimes the darkness creeps in. I've been so emotional this Christmas. I finally broke down crying in my mom's arms on Christmas Eve. I've been trying to be strong for so long, but I needed to have a moment. 

I also think about my baby. Emery's due date is next week, New Year's Eve...

I wonder if she would have been here already or If I would be ready to pop! I surly wouldn't have been home in MN for Christmas so in some twisted way I am thankful I can be here.... I try not to feel too guilty about feeling that way. It certainly helps that I am pregnant again and takes the pain away a little bit, but I'll always think about Emery and what could have been. I do know one thing... If I had Emery I wouldn't have the little person in my tummy who I have finally allowed myself to fall in love with. In a perfect world I would have both with me, but life isn't perfect. 

I'll end with this, I may have dark days, but I know rainbows and sunshine is in my future and I look forward to this new little person growing inside me and for my dad to get healthy! 

Merry Christmas all...

XOXO

Finally shared!

We finally shares the news! We had our ultrasound today and everything went so well, we wanted to share the happy news! :-) now, I'll share all my blogs I've been writing! Out of respect for folks on facebook on their own baby journeys all future updates will be on the blog! So happy and excited! (Now if only this horrible morning sickness would go away! 

Xoxo

2 days (12/15/14)

In 2 days I will have my ultrasound. The one I have been anxiously awaiting. I've been obsessed with reading miscarriage stats and always looking for blood when I go to the bathroom, but I just need to get to wednesday. It's no guarantee that everything will be fine in the end, but I will be so relieved to see a little heartbeat and see my baby. I'm so afraid to let myself fall in love with this baby until I can see that the baby is alive and well. Last night Clara told me that she was worried that something would happen to this baby like Emery! She said a prayer last night that I want to share. She has really been into saying her "hands prayers". She folds her hands and closes her eyes and says whatever is in her heart. Last night it was this "dear god, please watch over Cilla and Emery and all the babies. I wish they were here with us, but I know they are with you, please take care of the baby in mommy's tummy. I want this baby here and so does mommy. We love you baby and I don't care if you're a boy or a girl, I will still love you". I started crying! It was so sweet!! I feel I've done something right to have a child with such love in her heart. I don't want to let clara or anyone else down and just want to keep my baby safe. I'm sure after Wednesday after we hear everything is fine I will let myself be really, really excited! All the signs that things are moving along are there so that is comforting. Here I am at 7 weeks 6 days (just shy of the 8 week mark).

It's really hard to hide my tummy if I don't wear loose clothing! I can't believe how big I am! 

Better today

Okay, I am doing better today. It was just difficult to receive that news yesterday. But, I am confident in the oncologists and am looking forward to dad starting chemo. I am so happy he can do it as an outpatient this time around. I think that will make it much easier on him and my mom. He can rest in the comfort of his own house and of course my mom will wait on him hand and foot! Man, Benjamin better take care of me this way if God forbid I should ever get sick. She is truly amazing!

In other news, the kiddos are finally getting over their sickness, thank goodness! I hate sick kiddos. It makes me sad. Clara's Christmas program is this weekend and I am very excited for it. She is such a little doll, I love that she is so strongly invested in the Church at such a young age. She does her nightly prayers all by herself and I just love the little prayers she comes up with. It warms my heart when she says "daddy, do you want to do my prayers with me" and she carries her little Bible around. The same Bible my great grandpa gave me so many years ago. It's awesome to pass it on to her! we have read the whole thing and we go back and read her favorites stories here and there. I am so thankful for Glory Bees at our Church. I would highly recommend it to anyone. Oh my Clara girl has such a tender and sweet soul and is so wise beyond her years. I told her last night that grandpa couldn't come this weekend because he has to get his cancer medicine and she just put her little hand to my cheek and said, "it's okay mommy, Jesus loves grandpa and will take care of him, you don't need to worry, really mom". Of course, I started crying! Funny, how a 5 year old can make me feel completely better. We really should let kids run the World at times!

And B is B. Our little miss independent firecracker! She just warms my heart everyday. She is really become a mama's girl lately and just wants to cuddle and wants me to sleep by her. Finally, I have my cuddle bug! She never wanted to snuggle as a baby! And finally, she wants me over daddy! Haha, sorry babe.

Life is good, a little rocky, but good.

XOXO

The dirty six letter word

Cancer 

Uggggghhhhh! I hate cancer. I'm super bummed my dad's tumor grew. I know it's not the worst news and I am more thankful for that than anyone knows. But, it still grew and he is my dad and it hurts to know this is happening. It sucks knowing our weekend plans are

ruined because of cancer, it sucks knowing dad is in pain, and it sucks knowing that this is part of our life. For awhile I can live in a bubble and pretend everything is fine and then wham it hits me all at once again! Of course, I'm completely positive everything will be okay, but I just need to have a bit of a pity party right now. I'm so looking forward to time off starting on the 19th because I need a break from work and everything. Just time to spend with my kids and family. 

Okay pity party over. It doesn't feel right to do an update after that of everything else I was going to write about so I will save that for later. 

XOXO